for all who..wants a laugh..and how to tell

some jokes ...

DISSERVICE WITH A SMILE
as she letf the department of motor vehicles after renewing her driver's licence, my grandmother noticed a mistake -"male" was checked instead of "female". shy and easily embarassed , she got back into the queue and waited patiently to show the clerk the mistake.
"i m so sorry".he said."we'll fix this right away."
with that he lifted the microphone for the PA system, which carried the following words clear across the room:" frank! this lady needs a sex change!"

BEST BET
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Ill bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."The bartender agrees to take the bet, so the man removes his glass eye, puts the eye in his mouth, and bites it.

"Thats not fair," says the bartender., "How was I to know you had a glass eye?""Very well, then, Ill bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye."The reluctant bartender agrees to take the bet, so the man pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.

By now, the bartender is really pissed off. He hands the man his money and walks away.The man sits down at a table and starts drinking beer after beer. Some ten beers later, the man gets up and starts talking to another patron.

Sometime later, the man says to the bartender, "You know, I wasnt to fair to you earlier, so Ill give you a chance to win your money back.

Ill bet you $500 that I can stand on a barstool 5 feet from the bar and piss into a shot glass without getting any on your bar."The bartender thinks about the bet to ensure there are no catches, and then reluctantly agrees to take the bet.

The man pulls the barstool to within 5 feet of the bar, exposes his member, and begins urinating right into the shot glass.To the bartenders delight, though, the man loses his footing, causing him to urinate all over the bar. The bartender laughs at the man.He starts wiping up the mess from the bar, and says, "I knew you couldnt do it!"

The man reaches into his pocket and pays the bartender $500, then says to the bartender, "Fair is fair. But, you know, I bet the man down at the end of the bar $1,000 that I would stand on a barstool, piss all over your bar, and that you would laugh and clean it up."

NEVER SPEAK UNTIL SPOKEN TO
when the victim took the stand in a trial against two men accused of assaulting and robbing her, the prosecutor asked, "are the two perpetrator of this terrible crime present in the courtroom today?"
before the victim could respond, the two defendants raised their hands and said ,"here, your honour."

MIND THE LANGUAGE
the school where i teach asks that parents fill out a questionnaire. the questions are pretty baisc and they include this one: 'language spoken at home?"
one family answered, " some swearing , but we're trying to stop."

COMPUTER DIAGNOSIS
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go toa computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:"You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They arent yours.Get a lawyer.And if you dont stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

PROBLEMS BELOW
A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times.He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but youve overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30erections left in your penis."The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.He tells her what the doc told him.She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldnt waste that! We should make a list!"He replies, "I already made a list on the way home, and Im afraid youre name isnt on it."

IN OTHER WORDS
anagrams are words made by rearranging the letters of other words.
here are afew...__>>>
dormitory = drity room
the eyes = they see
eleven plus two = twelve plus one
slot machines = cash lost in me
the morse code = here come dots

here are some...tips on boby language
if someone is at the same wave length as you....they will often have or make the same postures as you....but if a person boby and feet are turned away...from you...even though they are looking at u ...it means they rather be moving the way their feet are pointing...

most ppl cross their arms if they are feeling defensive or nagative....so even if someone says they agree with you ....if they then cross their arms they really dont...if a person's eyes move up and to the left....while u are talking to them means they process information visually... if the eyes only move left they thinhk in terms of sound, but if eyes move to the right and down indicates they learn through their feelings.....

when someone is lying..they tend to become generally less expressive with their hands but make alot of shrugging and hand to face gestures....hands or fingers covering the mouth indicate deceit.....(is it correct spelling)...the brain is subconsciously..telling the hand to suppress the deceitful words...tilting the head to side indicates an interest in wht's being said ....when ppl drop their heads they are displaying a negative... judgmental or critical attitude.... using a hand to support your head suggest that it is boring..